Nah, really...it's a word. Not allegedly made up like some of my other words. My accuser knows who she is. For real, look it up.
So I'm going to try something new. Well, it's new to me at least. I've been noticing that there's been a bunch of things that I want to comment on or mention right on the spot. I haven't been able to do that. And by the time I'm able to do any such thing, the moment has passed and it's taken the inspiration right along with it. ENTER TWITTER. I got myself a Twitter account and I'm going to call it like I see it. If I see something that gets my goat, I'm going to twit it (Is that right?). If I see my crush on the train, I'm going to twit it (I think if I say it enough times, it will sound right). If I see anyone I've blogged about...you get the picture.
Now as much as I'd like to start like right now...I'm going to wait because, well...I don't have enough followers yet. I'm hoping that all of you that have Twitter accounts will follow me and my daily musings. I put a link in the upper left side of the screen to follow me. Hopefully, it works. If not...allow me to reintroduce myself... My name is Darryl, Mr Keys if you're nasty.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
Dirt McGirt
(aka Porn flicks, Undercarriages and Overhead Part II)
Fourth grade. Back in class after recess. We’re all a little rowdy and rambunctious. We’re 9 and full of food. Not to mention we’ve just been running around the school’s yard for a minute. So yeah, we’re a little sweaty too. The girls from jumping the double dutch ropes and the boys from playing tag, catch, Frisbee, football and anything we could make up rules for.
Miss McGillicutty (that name has always been funny to me) asks Louis to hand out the ditto sheets for what we’re about to learn. Meanwhile, my mind is elsewhere. I’m not thinking about anything and noticing nothing…simultaneously. That is, until Louis reaches the top of my row to hand us the new sheets. Appearing to look at something but not really looking at anything, he stops mid-step like he had a notion of some sorts. He lifts his right heel and swings his knee out to the side. His finishing move was a slight dip and shake…affectionately known as the shimmy. I hadn’t mastered the poker face yet. He saw me looking him in bewilderment.
Louis being Louis said, “Don’t you hate it when your nuts stick to your leg?” Me, being the hell confused, said nothing.
“I don’t even rock with you like that, kid!” is what I would have said had I not only been nine years old. I did smirk some, but that was about all I managed to do. It didn’t matter much to Louis because he handed me the paper and kept it moving.
Fast forward to an unseasonably warm winter’s day last month and you would have found me in my own predicament. Since I’ve been an active member of Manscapers Unite, things are different. There’s a learning curve and additional measures must be taken when rocking the “turtle shell” (see Part 1 for clarification) down there. For one, Johnsons® Baby Powder and Shower to Shower®…they’re your friends. And like a good friend, they should not be neglected. Now when I say neglected, I mean unutilized…or else the Louis moment will rear it’s ugly head (no pun).
So there I was, enjoying myself a beautiful spring day in February. Jacket folded and tucked into my gym bag, making some stops in stores and such. I found myself in an aisle of a clothing store and even though I didn’t stop mid-step like Louis did, I was still in that very same boat some decades later. Now, I’m gonna tell you like this…for the ladies reading this…it’s not a comfortable feeling. I guess…and I could be way off base, but…it’s something like having your panties bunch up and take refuge in your butt. Like, if you have to continue about your business then you do, but as soon as you get the chance to handle it, you will. ASAP. Yeah, it’s like that. Now luckily for me, I don’t have to go to the same lengths to rectify my situation. Meaning, I don’t have to drop my trousers and separate the two parties. Normally, I could just shimmy and keep it moving, but because I’m so out of practice [read: a proud grower of pubic hairs since puberty], I need to shimmy shimmy, ya…which entails a deeper dip and a quicker shake…one with more snap to it. And although, the situation is remedied, it’s very temporary.
There are only three* options at this point. One being to sit still long enough that the two parties have been separated with a timeout, thereby reducing the...uh…clamminessicity. The other is powder yourself. But let’s be real…that’s just not happening anytime soon because if you were somewhere with powder handy, you wouldn’t have to do the move to begin with.
Fourth grade. Back in class after recess. We’re all a little rowdy and rambunctious. We’re 9 and full of food. Not to mention we’ve just been running around the school’s yard for a minute. So yeah, we’re a little sweaty too. The girls from jumping the double dutch ropes and the boys from playing tag, catch, Frisbee, football and anything we could make up rules for.
Miss McGillicutty (that name has always been funny to me) asks Louis to hand out the ditto sheets for what we’re about to learn. Meanwhile, my mind is elsewhere. I’m not thinking about anything and noticing nothing…simultaneously. That is, until Louis reaches the top of my row to hand us the new sheets. Appearing to look at something but not really looking at anything, he stops mid-step like he had a notion of some sorts. He lifts his right heel and swings his knee out to the side. His finishing move was a slight dip and shake…affectionately known as the shimmy. I hadn’t mastered the poker face yet. He saw me looking him in bewilderment.
Louis being Louis said, “Don’t you hate it when your nuts stick to your leg?” Me, being the hell confused, said nothing.
“I don’t even rock with you like that, kid!” is what I would have said had I not only been nine years old. I did smirk some, but that was about all I managed to do. It didn’t matter much to Louis because he handed me the paper and kept it moving.
Fast forward to an unseasonably warm winter’s day last month and you would have found me in my own predicament. Since I’ve been an active member of Manscapers Unite, things are different. There’s a learning curve and additional measures must be taken when rocking the “turtle shell” (see Part 1 for clarification) down there. For one, Johnsons® Baby Powder and Shower to Shower®…they’re your friends. And like a good friend, they should not be neglected. Now when I say neglected, I mean unutilized…or else the Louis moment will rear it’s ugly head (no pun).
So there I was, enjoying myself a beautiful spring day in February. Jacket folded and tucked into my gym bag, making some stops in stores and such. I found myself in an aisle of a clothing store and even though I didn’t stop mid-step like Louis did, I was still in that very same boat some decades later. Now, I’m gonna tell you like this…for the ladies reading this…it’s not a comfortable feeling. I guess…and I could be way off base, but…it’s something like having your panties bunch up and take refuge in your butt. Like, if you have to continue about your business then you do, but as soon as you get the chance to handle it, you will. ASAP. Yeah, it’s like that. Now luckily for me, I don’t have to go to the same lengths to rectify my situation. Meaning, I don’t have to drop my trousers and separate the two parties. Normally, I could just shimmy and keep it moving, but because I’m so out of practice [read: a proud grower of pubic hairs since puberty], I need to shimmy shimmy, ya…which entails a deeper dip and a quicker shake…one with more snap to it. And although, the situation is remedied, it’s very temporary.
There are only three* options at this point. One being to sit still long enough that the two parties have been separated with a timeout, thereby reducing the...uh…clamminessicity. The other is powder yourself. But let’s be real…that’s just not happening anytime soon because if you were somewhere with powder handy, you wouldn’t have to do the move to begin with.
The third option...well that's the easiest and the most popular choice. Just suck it up.
*Note: ALL of this can be prevented completely by wearing briefs. But really...briefs?
Friday, January 23, 2009
Standard Standard
Girl meets boy on Thursday night
Boy was high, girl fly like kite
They hold hands until next day
Boy then lets go, hit his way
Boy rules butt, brags to his boys
Erection brings bad boy joys
Boy thinks of that big fat back
Big black fat love, big black fat
Girl calls boy to stand him up on Saturday
-Q-Tip on Saturday- By De La Soul
Boy is at a club with his comrades. Girl is at a club with her clique. Maybe it’s the same club. Maybe girl sees boy and vice versa. Maybe they dance and make loud talk simultaneously. Or maybe they link up at the bar. Maybe he likes her. And maybe she likes him back. Maybe there’s some serious connectivity happening. Maybe they text their respective entourages that they’ll be leaving the club tout suite. Maybe they arrive somewhere and talk naked.
So now, you might be thinking that this is going to be a blog about the “one night stand”. Like maybe, since I tend to always write about a real life situation, I’m going to tell you a funny story about one that I had in my life. Au contraire, my readers…this is about…
The Morning After…
“I know she think that I just think she some kinda ho. I don't give a shit bout givin’ it up on the first night...that just lettin’ me know. She know what she want outta life...what a hell of a way to goddamn wake up... ooh that shit was good! Ooh maybe she'd get me some breakfast. She so goddamn sweet, sweet as she wanna be... Ooh I just - ooh I wanna lay in her hair. You can't fall for it. Don't fall for it, Ice Cold.
(ICE COLD!!!)
Maybe I’ll just roll over and lay on her booty. Yeah naw naw naw naw, just lay and be cool. Be cool, Ice Cold.
(ICE COLD!!!)
But what if she - what if she - what if she – what…if she's… the one...”
-Andree 3000 on The Morning After, from The Love Below
Now wait. Before you can really finish that thought, in comes the twist. See, the other night, my satellite television was tuned into Damages. I couldn’t really tell you how it was because I wasn’t really watching and really only half listening. I did see, however, the part where boy and girl had got their busy on and the next morning, she was up and at ‘em…while he sat there in the bed thinking to himself, “Yeah, that was nice” when she yanked him out his daydream and said, “Don’t be here when I get back”. I was like, “Damn”, smiled and finished with a “That’s so sexy.” I’m not even gonna hold you…I wouldn’t mind being told that. Not in the least. I, for one, think it’s badass. My feelings would not be hurt in the least. Yeah, sure I can do some inward reflecting to pinpoint why I find this to be so but instead, I’m going to give you generic guy reasons.
1) It eliminates that “morning after awkwardness”. No need to lie and say, “I’ll call you” when maybe…just maybe you’re not. Come come now. We’ve all watched enough movies and shows to know that maybe there’s going to be some regret involved. If not that, then maybe some embarrassment will rear its ugly head. And more times than not…a great deal of all this rests solely on the shoulders of the first sentence or two uttered from dude’s mouth.
2) It’s power…taking control when it’s not expected. I.E. a turn-on. Remember Robin Givens in Boomerang? Yeah, like that sexy. Just her part, though. Not Eddie Murphy’s. That scene was the perfect example of a role reversal if there ever was one.
3) It’s what he would have done…but couldn’t…because if he did, he’d be called all types of names. Names that would be preceded by all types of profanity.
So now, we have a situation that’s okay for women but not okay for men. And I’m fine with it. You’ll never hear me or hear about me uttering those seven words to a woman on my way out the door. But the next time you all bring up a tables-turned-type-scenario (Ironically, there’s not one that I can think of. Go figure), best be-lieve I am going to milk the hell out of this one right here….because honestly, it’s the only one I got.
But I’m thinking…
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
