Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Porn flicks, undercarriages and overhead

Funny story. When I was just taking up running, I went in when it came to having the right equipment. The shoes, the aerodynamic looking long sleeve shirts and even the biker shorts [the knowledgeable term: compression shorts] looking things that you wear under your running shorts. So there I was, getting my run on. Looking cool while doing it. All is good…until I had a snag. No, literally a snag. It seems that the compression shorts’ seams were situated just perfectly enough to catch on to a hair or two from the underside of it all while I was mid-stride. Needless to say, I didn’t hesitate in separating the two parties immediately while simultaneously making a note to make sure that I never have to experience that unpleasantness again. Asterisk and all.

Later that evening, I stood in front of the full-length mirror with the cheap trimmers in hand. I stood there and just hesitated. Rapidly moving little blades powered by electrical current are not any of my choices of things I want in the area of my groin. I never imagined a time where I’d find myself in that scenario but there I was. So I flipped the switch, took a deep breath and got to work. For those of you who don’t know, that area is the most sensitive skin on a man’s body – bar none. Needless to say, I maneuvered with a surgeon’s precision.

So then, one day, I was watching an adult movie (I've been known to view a few. I'm a man dammit. See the 6th sense for clarification) and I noticed two significant things. One, there was no storyline. Just some small talk after a staged situation and then it was straight to business. No complaints from me at the time, because I would have fast-forwarded through all of that filler anyway. I'm just saying.

The second thing I noticed was…there was quite a bit of hair…missing. I mean, I know it’s the thing now for the female stars to have the Brazilian thing going on whether it be the “landing strip” or “back to the essence” but either I’ve been really, really oblivious to it or it’s a somewhat recent (when I say recent, I mean the last some odd years) occurrence that the dudes are doing the same. Now chests shaved, stomachs shaved and backs too…I know about that. But down there? All gone? I find myself taking pause on that latest trend. In my wonder years, I was a kid that could not wait for the hairs to sprout down yonder. For me to go back to that look is not something I see myself doing - ever. I mean, trimming the underbelly of the beast was for practical purposes. The land above the beast’s dwelling is a totally different thing. On a weekend morning after getting your moonlight on, a man likes to sit in front of his television in his shorts, boxers or pajama pants and get his Al Bundy on. To find nothing there but skin and stubble is not my idea of solace.

“Well, that’s gonna be a problem – I laser. It’s like a turtle shell down there.”

Dennis, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, ‘Manhunters’ Episode

Later that evening, I found myself in front of that same mirror holding those same cheap clippers. This time, however, I paused not from fear but because I was surveying the land. I knew damn well I wasn’t going to do my best military barber impersonation down there. I had land somewhere in the middle because what I was noticing was a patch of land with no boundaries and no neatness. I had to tip-toe the line between getting too involved in the process and doing my part since women go through the regular task of having things presentable. It’s the least I could do. And the could do, I did…with some impressive results. So here I am, writing to you all…proud…to be a manscaper.

22 comments:

Kryssy said...

That was too funny! You are an amazing writer. I was sitting with my nose damn near touching my computer monitor, all up in your business! LOL.

Mr Keys said...

24 thank you's and 9 aww shuckses. I really don't know how to reply to such a compliment. I'll just smile uncontrollably for at least 7 minutes.

AssertiveWit said...

I zeroed in on that Dennis quote because I LOVE Always Sunny in Philly. LOL

A lot of guys shave down there...I'm finding it more common than not these days. But it's usually done by guys who are very into their appearance.
Not read: homosexual OR metrosexual
Read: appearance conscious males

I actually have no problem with the guy I am seeing regularly taking the intiative to do that. Regardless of what some guys think about their pubes, if they aren't taking care of them like they do the hair on their head, they are coarse little suckas that chaff women's thighs (or maybe I have sensitive skin). Anyway, my legs appreciate it LOL

Keep up the good grooming...some lucky woman is grateful. I promise you she is LOL

Mr Keys said...

The funny thing is...women will know more about the "happenings" in that zone than men will...for the simple fact that we WILL NOT discuss it with one another. LOL.

So I guess I'm an appearance conscious male. *grin*

asia kismet said...

shaving or trimming the area is always appreciated. And although the woman might not outright say, "thank you mr keys for shaving your _____ area", trust me, she's happy you did.
it is especially helpful to women who know the art of fellatio...[trying not to get too graphic] but no one wants hair in their mouth that's almost as annoying as swallowing a fish bone.

but you know what the down side is?
the time when your hairs grow back and it's all stubby like a prickly pear. so now men will understand the plight of women all across the world and maybe even give them a pass when their legs feel a little less than smooth...and i really feel bad for the hairy monsters of testosterone.

Mr Keys said...

And that's why I'm not for the completely hairlessnessicity. The underside...okay fine. Full grown, it's not like a chi-pet. The topside though...stuble is not cool. (Even though, my stubble would be that soft stubble. Not bragging. Just saying. lol) My vote is for the reverse-fade-trim.



I've really told you all quite a bit, huh?

LMAO @ thanks mr keys

Anonymous said...

Porn is a farce!

In my line of work (which I won't mention right now) I learned that the porn industry is pure fantasy! It's all make-believe! It's staged! I mean, we all know that the interaction is contrived. But I learned that even the body parts, yes the body parts!(the coochie, quat, shlong, breakfast, rump, business-end, love-stick, man-pipe, kittie cat, the air down there, etc, etc) they're airbrushed and made up! It's true! What we see on the screen is hours and hours of make up, screen imaging and airbrushing! So of course the man is clean shaven down there. They did that on purpose to heighten the visualization effect. This is not how things are in real life.....but we know this by now.

Mr Keys said...

NOW you tell me?!?!? LOL!

But seriously, like I was telling Assertive Wit...guys won't really know what's going on in "real life" because it's just not something that's going to be brought up in convo. Unless we were all watching a fully prepped porn but then why would be doing that? LOL.

Hey Girlfriend! said...

"You know how I know you're gay...you wear biker shorts and shave your pubic area" LOL - just kidding!!!!

Shaving is definitely appreciated. However, I have to admit, if it wasn’t for bathing suits and uhhh cunnilingus I sure as hell wouldn’t bother. I too enjoy getting my Al Bundy on. And the first time I saw this on a guy I did question is sexuality. I’m just saying, a girl can’t be too careful nowadays and every sign deserves questioning. But as stated before, no one enjoys getting hair stuck in they’re mouth (or in your case, stuck in biker shorts). So keep up the good work and happy runnings.

Mr Keys said...

LMAO @ the 40 Year Old Virgin type line. Good one!

Satori said...

I cant believe its almost 09 and dudes is just getting hip to shaving and keepin trim in the "area".. hair is an odor catcher and stimulation decreaser.. although please be cognizant of the stubble during grind mode.. its painful!

Mr Keys said...

Whoa. Hold up. Odor catcher? (That's nasty) Let's not get things ever so twisted. I kept things as fresh as possible. LOL. Plus, I had those sof- never mind that.

Besides, I don't know too many manly men such as myself that just had this thought on their own. I mean, come on...I kept my fingernails trimmed and clean and I shaved too. Oh, and the boxers had no holes. That was the extent of it. Anything more, should have been brought up by you all. When you see a tree, you might think about the grass around it. Not us.

Satori said...

lol.. you a funny kat.. I like you so far.. and yes a female in your universe should have suggested an "edge up" of the most personal sort..

Mr Keys said...

The "so far" part is truly appealing. Real talk. It means I've been given a shot. Anything from this point on falls solely on me. Right?

Ms_Slim said...

Oh how grateful us women folk are to have a man that's shaved.

I mean seriously...a man that's bare everywhere is borderline creepy to me. I mean EVERYTHING?! Meh. I like facial hair on a man and if he's shaving that bare regularly...plus his arms, legs, chest, etc..Im gonna give him a side-eye. I'd just have to at that point. LOL

But down there? Not sayin it gotta be BARE, but trimmed or something is appreciated. A bush is just not whats really good. Women like em kept up nicely just like you men like ours kept nicely. lol

Mr Keys said...

Ha. Yeahhhh...that bare sht is for the eagles. I have "lowered" the arm pit hairs once because things became far too unnecessary one summer. I mean the hairs were out-of-control.

My list of things I will NEVER see bare on my person:

1. arm pits
2. legs
3. the overhead
4. eyebrows

Leon1234 said...

THat was really good.:)

asia kismet said...

unless you are an olympic swimmer, there is no reason to be extra bald

Mr Keys said...

Leon: I appreciate that. Thanks for coming through.

Asia K: You TOTALLY get what I'm saying. I am not Michael Phelps. LOL.

suga said...

First off, "It's Always Sunny..." is the shiznit.
Secondly, an ex boo of mine used to nair his chest and I thought it was extremely gay. I probably wouldn't have cared if I had never found the nair bottle though.
I've never had an opinion about a man shaving down there, but that could be due to most men I know having little to no hair down there because they shave lol *shrug*

Mr Keys said...

LOL @ shiznit

Ain't it though?!? Charlie is the man, hands down.

Nair...on the chest? Nah, that's gay...like an episode of the Boondocks.

I had a cousin that would Nair is facial hair. This was before Magic Shave©. Damn, he could have been rich.

Anonymous said...

I was laughing til I cried at the first paragraph! So hilarious.

And personally, I like a man to just leave it all there.