Allow me to apologize in advance to any person or persons I inadvertently offend with what you are about to read. You have to know that this not my intention. Something has been weighing on my mind and I need to talk to you all. I know that this is an extremely touchy subject and there is a possibility that some of you will be made to feel uncomfortable...for that I'm sorry.
With that being said, let's get right into it. Gas. That's right. G-A-S...as in belching, bloating and flatulence...specifically from you women. You might be laughing now but some of you front like you don't have any - ever. And that's some bull nuggets.
First, we're going to go back…to the beginning. To where it all started. To that pivotal moment where you let one out by "accident". Whether you burped and said, " Ooh. Excuse me" in a surprised and puzzled manner or you farted and said, "Oh my God! I am SO sorry" or the classic line, " I can't believe I just did that. I'm so embarrassed".
Yeah right. I call bullsht.
See, you got away with it. You knew that we were smitten with you and you capitalized on that fact. You knew that it was a gamble but the odds were in your favor. You figured that in all of the newness and puppydogism, of all the things you could potentially get away with…passing gas was one of them. And you were right. You let one slip and silly us, we thought it was funny and cute. Why? Hell if I know.
But you know what's not cute? The way you all took it too far. Me? I'm considerate when it comes to the flatulent. I don't let the silent ones go in front of you. I send mines out with an announcement. Surprise smells are no fun. I learned that when I was in high school and my German Shepherd would walk by and leave a little silent killer behind as I watched television. That's the kind of tomfoolery I reserved for my boys. The look on your friends' faces when they caught a whiff of the end result of the McDonald's (or better yet…those beef patties with cocoa bread) you ate for lunch is like nothing else. Now when I say you took it too far, I mean just that. It's like your sphincter can't stay shut. Months after you've gotten too comfortable with your male friend, your boo, your snookey bear, your boyfriend, your husband, your sweetheart…you're letting them fly. Sometimes, there's no acknowledgement. No responsibility taken for the crime. Baby, men have been farting all their lives. We know a fart when we hear it no matter how well you think you're muffling it. Then in all of your audacity, you throw us THE most disgusted look when we let one out the chamber. And then, as if part of your master plan, you have us feeling bad for something that should come as no surprise from us. So much so, we actually sit in your presence with all types of cramps and pains and such from holding them in longer than humanly possible as to not nasally offend you.
So let's compromise. I'm not suggesting you hold it in like you did before you realized that there was a loophole in the system...a virtual glitch in the matrix. All I'm saying is maybe do the ladylike thing on occasion and act like you have to run into the other room to get something…you know, like you were doing all those times you acted like you had to run into the other room to get something.
Thanks for listening.
18 comments:
hahahahhahah who would get offended over this? hahahha
haha
Personally, I feel awkward about that whole thing...with ANYONE (except my little brother; we have a bit of a game going on since like '93. Don't ask LOL)
But yea....even with my ex (who I was with forever and a day), I couldnt do it. I'd "acted like I had to run into the other room to get something." haha.
Assertive... The disclaimer was just the setup. LOL.
Ms Slim... Wow. You don't do it? That's rare. But you've been playing fart games for about 15 years now. That's nasty. HA! Sike. Naw. I kid. But for real though...
The double standard KILLS ME! I have two older brothers who are NASTY but I burp one time and I'm so unladylike!
I won't fart in front of my man though. I just can't less uncontrollable circumstances. But he'll fart in front of me with no issue.
A small addition to your post in regards to males though: stop acting like farting when you are asleep is excusable, you weren't asleep.
lmfaoooooooooo!!! oh my lord!
I have a rule... if it stinks... it doesn't exist in my relationship.
Meaning, that I am NOT gonna be with some dude that's gonna be belching, or farting around me.
Heck Naw!!!! Kryssy don't play that!!!
I won't even go #2 if my dude is in the house.
Now.. in the future if I get married, I plan on having a house with multiple bathrooms, so we can 'poo' in one part of the house.. FAR away from the other person.
HAHAHAHAAA I just had a conversation well arguement over this topic with one of my bestest friends ever. She thinks its okay to (lets just keep it real) burp and fart...WHAT??? Its not OKAY!! Not by a man or a woman. I will slap the nasty out of my son if he does it in front of me. I will be the first to admit WE ALL DO IT but at the same time I dont want to hear someone do it or worse smell someone else..I WON'T do it to someone else. I dont think it's cute when a man does it BUT it's def. not cute when a woman does it. It's called having class and a little cuth. Everytime I bring up this topic people throw in my face that I curse alot. Again I must agree it's not lady-like but FUCK I'll pick cursing over farting/burping anyday.
smooches
hilarious.. i am not posting my personal business out there
but FUNNY
Management... sibling flatulence is a different issue. My sister farts in the car while I'm driving and tells me after the fact.
Real talk. I farted once in my sleep. It woke me up but I didn't know the reason why I woke up. As I began to drift off I did it again but I heard it that time!! Whoa. Crazy, right? (I hope that was the only time)
Kryssy... Power to you. You're on some Whitley Gilbert type steez with that. I mean, I applaud you not doing it in front of your man but not doing it in the same residence is cruel and unusual punishment. LOL.
Denise124... Cuss all you want! You're STILL a lady! Fcuk anyone that says different. Hahahahaha.
This is real funny. And the comments are even funnier.
I consider myself a lady, but best believe if I have to burp, it's coming out whether he's my boo for 2 years or we just met last week. I don't belch though...just something like a slight hiccup. I'll do it a million times in his face if my body needs it to happen. As long as I say "Excuse me" we should be alright. And if he has a problem with that, he needs to go on his merry way because as a human being, I am bound to burp every now and then.
Pootin' is another story. I just don't do that around other people at all, no matter who is in the room.
My current just loves to pop a silent one out and then turn to me and say "Ugh, you are so gross!". I look bewildered until I am accosted by the smell of chitlins and hogs head cheese. He is the grossest man ever when it comes to flatulence...THE GROSSEST! And then turns around and blames it on me. *smh*
Folks, its all about diet and doing your part and such...not to fart as much.
Okay for instance, I used to be a hot sauce aficionado. And men certainly don't mind sitting in their own cloud of putrid stench. But when I hooked up with my current lady, my own flatulence became annoying for me when during movie nights, I always have to lean to the side after we just established a perfect cuddling position. And I'm a thin guy! So mathematically speaking, if I had a dinner of delicious jerk chicken, that would equal out to about 8-10 "Skew-me"'s during a movie night. And being lactose intolerant, I HATE not being able to drink egg nog during the holidays.
Anyway, these are the sacrifices I'm making. WOMEN, control your diet too! Again, men really don't mind the smell of their own exhaust piping. But YOURS is a completely different sewage system. And yes I understand that we all do it. But you DO have control over the frequency and intensity of the smell simply by what you eat. If you know that Wendy's milkshakes do you in, I don't care what kind of day you've had, don't make us suffer!! I know that chocolate is next to sex, but if that renders you smelly under the sheets, then you're just being vindictive.
If we gotta control it, so should you!!
LOL. Well put, That One. A middle ground that is odor free works best!
Ok, so suppose you excuse yourself to the other room and unfortunately it's a loud one that the whole neighborhood heard (so you know your guy heard it)...how do you propose a girl makes her entrance back into the room. Should she:
A. Walk back into the room like nothing happened, sit on the couch and say "so, how about those eagles?"
B. Walk back in the room and say "what the hell was that?" and pretend it wasn't her.
C. Walk back in the room and in her girliest, softest voice ever say "scuse me."
LOL. In that case, option D) Grab your coat and just leave. And if it's your place, Grab your coat and leave. That's just wrong. Shouldn't NOBODY flatulate that loudly when trying to be slick about it!
LOL! That is the funniest post this year! Of course the evil that is the donut bacon cheese burger is #1 but hey that's goes without discussion. Donut Bacon Cheeseburger! Too funnie and EVIL!
Jaycee
Who inspired this post?! lol
You're the first to ask that, Tasha. It was an ex who just couldn't [read: wouldn't] keep it in her insides. Out. of. hand.
mr keys,
i need another post...like yesterday
[please don't make me beg]
Oh my WORD ..!!
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