Dirt McGirt

(aka Porn flicks, Undercarriages and Overhead Part II)

Fourth grade. Back in class after recess. We’re all a little rowdy and rambunctious. We’re 9 and full of food. Not to mention we’ve just been running around the school’s yard for a minute. So yeah, we’re a little sweaty too. The girls from jumping the double dutch ropes and the boys from playing tag, catch, Frisbee, football and anything we could make up rules for.

Miss McGillicutty (that name has always been funny to me) asks Louis to hand out the ditto sheets for what we’re about to learn. Meanwhile, my mind is elsewhere. I’m not thinking about anything and noticing nothing…simultaneously. That is, until Louis reaches the top of my row to hand us the new sheets. Appearing to look at something but not really looking at anything, he stops mid-step like he had a notion of some sorts. He lifts his right heel and swings his knee out to the side. His finishing move was a slight dip and shake…affectionately known as the shimmy. I hadn’t mastered the poker face yet. He saw me looking him in bewilderment.

Louis being Louis said, “Don’t you hate it when your nuts stick to your leg?” Me, being the hell confused, said nothing.

“I don’t even rock with you like that, kid!” is what I would have said had I not only been nine years old. I did smirk some, but that was about all I managed to do. It didn’t matter much to Louis because he handed me the paper and kept it moving.

Fast forward to an unseasonably warm winter’s day last month and you would have found me in my own predicament. Since I’ve been an active member of Manscapers Unite, things are different. There’s a learning curve and additional measures must be taken when rocking the “turtle shell” (see Part 1 for clarification) down there. For one, Johnsons® Baby Powder and Shower to Shower®…they’re your friends. And like a good friend, they should not be neglected. Now when I say neglected, I mean unutilized…or else the Louis moment will rear it’s ugly head (no pun).

So there I was, enjoying myself a beautiful spring day in February. Jacket folded and tucked into my gym bag, making some stops in stores and such. I found myself in an aisle of a clothing store and even though I didn’t stop mid-step like Louis did, I was still in that very same boat some decades later. Now, I’m gonna tell you like this…for the ladies reading this…it’s not a comfortable feeling. I guess…and I could be way off base, but…it’s something like having your panties bunch up and take refuge in your butt. Like, if you have to continue about your business then you do, but as soon as you get the chance to handle it, you will. ASAP. Yeah, it’s like that. Now luckily for me, I don’t have to go to the same lengths to rectify my situation. Meaning, I don’t have to drop my trousers and separate the two parties. Normally, I could just shimmy and keep it moving, but because I’m so out of practice [read: a proud grower of pubic hairs since puberty], I need to shimmy shimmy, ya…which entails a deeper dip and a quicker shake…one with more snap to it. And although, the situation is remedied, it’s very temporary.

There are only three* options at this point. One being to sit still long enough that the two parties have been separated with a timeout, thereby reducing the...uh…clamminessicity. The other is powder yourself. But let’s be real…that’s just not happening anytime soon because if you were somewhere with powder handy, you wouldn’t have to do the move to begin with.

The third option...well that's the easiest and the most popular choice. Just suck it up.

*Note: ALL of this can be prevented completely by wearing briefs. But really...briefs?